The Mormon Diet Plan Journal Day 1: I Will Not Suffer Alone

By now, you are probably wondering what ailment I have, and checking my Facebook page for my DOB to see if I am under the age of 75. Well, those of you that give a shit. And this time...let me tell you ladies and gents, the “suckage factor bar” has been raised. Apparently, I have done an amazing job of ignoring a raging sinus infection, and some sort of acid reflux. The doctor was soo impressed with my denial and avoidance that he offered me an award for all my needless suffering. You know, like they do for new moms that decide to have a natural delivery. Part of my treatment involves some bitchin’ steroid nasal spray, antibiotics, and some other drug that I have never heard of....but has a shit ton of refills, so I have plenty of time to figure out what it is that I am putting into my body. The other part of my treatment is a simple diet. Yes, simply restrictive. I have dubbed this new diet: The Mormon Diet Plan. And from now on, I will be recording my daily distaste for what I am denied. Here is what I can no longer have...well, at least for the next month or so. Drinks: No alcoholic beverages, coffee, tea, any soda or carbonated beverage, no caffeine, and no citrus juices. So, just apple juice and water. Cue Pac-Man dying sound. Food: No eggs, dairy, red sauce, or chocolate. And no eating after 7:30 in the evening or at least three hours before I go to bed. This fun little rule also applies to drinking ANYTHING in the evening. It may be time to turn to a pill mill. Activities: No whispering, and no sex without a condom. Shhhh.... The point is, I will not be suffering alone. My children will have deal with my mood swings from caffeine withdrawals, and my husband will have to revert back to the hassle of putting on a prophylactic.

It’s official: I use IV drugs

For the first time since I was 16, I am able to put my shoulders back, or sit up straight in a chair without looking like the housewife version of Hugo’s Quasimodo. I was recently diagnosed with Psoriatic arthritis (PsA). At first, my reasons for going to the dermatologist were strictly cosmetic and a matter of discomfort, but turns out...I had all the signs of arthritis. I’m 36. Autoimmune disorders run rampant on both sides of my family. And believe it or not, there is a very deep dividing line between taking snake oil and eliminating certain foods in your diet to treat this disease, and the other side (the actual sufferers) that casually exchange stories about the latest biologic drugs like we’re poppin’ Tylenol. However, it was my sister’s fight with Rheumatoid Arthritis that has led the way for me (and my dad) to take some pretty powerful drugs with possible side effects that scare me, and most people shit less--well you’ve heard the commercials. Thank God I’m not afraid of needles, because the drug that I have gone through hours of phone calls with insurance adjusters, and a bit of hell to get approved, works. OH and it’s a pre-filled injectable biologic called, Enbrel. For the past two weeks, I open my fridge door, push aside the cottage cheese and snag what looks like a marker. A quick alcohol swab to my extremities, and I’m jammin’ that baby into a thigh, forearm or buttock. You would think that the strangest part would be prepping my forearm to receive a needle without consulting a former drug addict, but it’s been the absence of pain that has been the realization of its existence.

Luke Shops for Father's Day Cards

I just returned from my world wind blogging adventure in Chicago, and I didn't have the energy to write a blog. So, I decided to share this cartoon instead.

Who the Hell Shoots a Horse?

Each afternoon, I have had the pleasure of being distracted by two gentle equine creatures that grazed in a small pasture while I waited in what seemed like the longest carpool line in history. The horses were a great distraction for my daughter, and we even gave them names, Strawberry Shortcake and Buzz. As you can guess, the children choose those names, and were particularly fond of them. Upon returning from Christmas break, this sign was hanging where the horses normally nibbled on grass and feed. The first thing to go through my mind was, who the hell would shoot a horse? Second was that I hoped my son would not read it before I got a chance to come up with a lesson about who the hell would shoot a horse. Naturally, my seven-year-old son (who cries anytime Sarah McLachlan starts crooning during the Humane Society commercials) read the banner before I had the time or answers on hot standby. Halfway through reading, his voice began to crack. So here is the story that I whipped up to keep him from suffering from depression over the next week. You see honey, that horse wasn’t entirely 100% horse. It was actually part human, from the land of Skeletor. One day Braeburn got angry that they weren’t sharing their apples with the whole gang. So, He-Man showed up with She-Ra and they turned the horses into part humans and because they were human that made them very flawed and they brought a gun with them to persuade the Skeletor creatures to share. The gun went off during the half-hoofed struggle. Buzz and Strawberry Shortcake were taken to the hospital and found a safer home. My son wasn’t buying it, so I sold him on the little white lie that the horses were in heaven or here. Either way, they are better off not being part human.

It’s a Wonderful Life: Was Mary Bailey the Ultimate Supermom?

It just isn’t Christmas unless I watch the black-and-white classic, It’s a Wonderful Life. Starting from the impressionable age of seven, this film has never lost its effect on me. With each passing year, this simple but compelling tale doesn’t fail to pull harder on my heartstrings, redefine my age, or my current post in life.

The plot may revolve around the plight of one man named, George Bailey that comes to terms with his existence and the lives that he’s touched, but for me, it’s his female partner in life that is the real hero.

Early on in the film, Mary (who is to become George’s wife and partner in life) witnesses George (then a twelve-year-old boy) getting the shit slapped out of him by his drunk boss who got the sad news that his own son had died. Not only does Mary confess her very true, and undying love to him in his “bad” ear, she takes this bittersweet scene to her grave.

I don’t know if I would have had it in me to toss away my entire nest egg and honeymoon loot on an inherited business that my husband hated, but Mary was the first one to offer in order to avoid a “run on the bank.” Once again, saving George’s hide.

Before George lassos that stork, Mary is at his side helping him build his business. In one heartwarming scene, Mary is wrangling the Martini family children, but still finds time to buy symbolic homecoming items and even deliver a speech to the delight of a small crowd. Way to go!

While George is battling the film’s villain, Henry F. Potter (played by Drew Barrymore’s great granddad), Mary is busting her ass restoring their house, volunteering for the USO, OH and popping out four kids. One of which is trying to spell Frankincense in one scene and the other one trying her hand at playing the piano. Although, I have to side with George on this line, “Janie, haven’t you learned that silly tune yet?”

In spite of George’s weaknesses which come into play thanks to his drunken Irish Uncle Billy, Mary sees something in George that is darker but very out of character for him. So, she essentially creates an impromptu prayer circle, which gets God on the case.

In the end, it was the strength of an amazing woman that helped a man find his way. But that's life I guess, and if you're lucky enough, a wonderful one.

Rats! I Found a Weird Website

Every once in a blue moon, I stumble upon some of the weirdest f***king websites that I have ever encountered. And honestly, it happens most often when I am looking to diagnosis another strange skin affliction that is troubling me. But that is another topic for another time. I’m gonna call this new website discovery, “you dirty rat.”!

Somewhere out there in cyber space there is a Rat Fan Club. For starters, I am not sure why in the world a rat fan club even exists, but why anyone else outside of a vet office would want to take a gander at a scabby-skinned rodent with mites or lice.

I had a decision to make. Do I fall into the ahem...rat hole, or get the hell out of this site? They say that curiosity killed the cat, which would have pleased these poor rats, so I went for it.

One immediate observation is that there is a Rat Health Book out there as well, and this article is quite recent. The first few pictures at the top show a magnified shot of a rat with mites. Other gross-out photos include an albino rat with a scabbed-out tail. But if you those pictures weren’t enough to turn your large intestine inside out, the photos of a rat with bumblefoot will do the trick.

I have just spent the last week plus in a state of acceptance and unexplained anger over the death of my ninety-four-year-old grandmother. Sure, she had spent several years beyond life’s expectations on this earth, but in lieu of her not getting a proper “spoken’ eulogy, I wanted to share the one that I was never able to do so. So, here it goes.

Tonight we celebrate the life of Pauline Cavallari. During her ninety-four-years of life she would be called a devoted wife, sister, and friend but most of us have come to know her simply as, Grams or Grandma.

LAUGHTER
Grandma had a laugh that was so contagious, it could travel straight from your belly and into your soul. I like to think that this was a part of her inner child that never seemed to fade even until her final days on this earth. Grandma got so much enjoyment out of the little things in life: the turning color of leaves in the fall, the glow of Christmas lights during the holidays or studying birds outside of her window. Grandma was an animal lover. During her life, Grandma bred and showed fox terriers and later had a number of beloved pets that we all remember. Who could forget the gentle nature of her salt-and -pepper miniature schnauzer, Minnie and a black miniature schnauzer named, Chance.

When her Granddaughter Lisa was born, Lisa’s parents worked many hours, so Grandma took Lisa under her wing. As Lisa put it, Grandma always wanted her around. Grandma’s relationship and kindness to Lisa came full circle, and Lisa had the opportunity to be there for Grandma throughout her life until the very end.

GRANDMA WAS A PIONEER.
Take for instance the day that she carted her three children, Susan, Philip and Tony over 11 miles from Lansing to Grandpa Cavallari’s parents house all to help her daughter earn a Girls’ Scout patch. Those of us that are moms, know that this was no easy feat. Several blisters later, they accomplished their mission.

GRANDMA WAS CREATIVE.
Perhaps one of Grandma’s best talents was her gift for knitting, quilting and creating thoughtful and original works of art. If there was a tissue box, Grandma knew over a million ways to turn it into something unique or special be it a present, package or storage container. She loved knitting her famous booties that warmed the feet of generations of babies across the country.

One of my most cherished items was a box that Grandma made for me on my tenth birthday. On the cover, was a hand-stitched message that read: Angela’s Own Correspondence Box. Inside, it was filled with stationary items so that we could exchange letters, and we did.

GRANDMA WAS AN ADVENTURER.
As a young adult, Grandma once rode the famous Cyclone roller-coaster at Coney Island in New York. The experience stuck with her so much, that she decided to share her thrill for well....thrills with her children. So, one sunny morning, Grandma took her children to Chicago’s Riverview Park at Western and Belmont. The mission that day? To ride every roller-coaster in the amusement park. The first coaster that they rode was the The Green Streak, followed by other popular park staples including: the Comet, Greyhound and of course, The Bobs. What is commonly described as a, “scream fest” by her son, Philip, turned out to be one of his most cherished memories.
These are just a few of the many memories that Grandma left us with, and I know that we would do Grandma proud to share her stories and keep them in a special place in our hearts where we can call on her anytime.