How to Tell the Difference Between an A’hole and a Jerk

FreeDictionary.com defines jerk as: a slang term for a foolish, rude or contemptible person. But what about a’hole? I got some needed clarification this past weekend and here is my takeaway. A jerk is best characterized by that annoying guy or gal that is behind you in the checkout line and when another register opens, swoops in front of you with a mound of groceries and whips out a WIC check. Which can take an additional twenty minutes of product research before they go their separate way. You can also run into a jerk while driving. This is the guy that will risk lives to keep you from merging onto the interstate all in the hopes of knocking an additional 2.8 seconds off his commute. It’s annoying, but most of us leave it at that and go on about our day. Now a’holes take jerk to a whole new level. For instance, it may not be enough that they refuse to let you merge or do the right thing and allow you take your rightful place in line. When cutting you off is not enough, they resort to giving you the finger or they go through the psychotic trouble of engaging you over something that should have been a minor annoyance and just shrugged off. I once had a gal write an unsigned note that was at least 12 paragraphs in length about how bad of a driver I was because I turned on my signal too late before my turn. Yes, she actually went to these great lengths. See? That is an a’hole. Sometimes its inconsiderate house guests that seem to think that crapping all over evening plans plays second fiddle to their moods and trouble within their own relationship. It’s the heightened level of mean and the more psychotic yet personal attack that separates the two. My wish for the week is that you are able to avoid both at all costs, but if you are not...here's to jerks!

Salt and Pepper Shake Things Up

It’s a deep thoughts blog today on Motherhoodintheraw and particularly on race relations. Some of my closest friends are African American, and I sometimes struggle when things of this nature kind of bubble up. Here goes... I was at a neighborhood outdoor event where one vendor was promoting birthday parties. Cool, right? I’m always on the hunt for good ideas. However, this particular business model was for parties for black girls. The immediate message I got was: this is not for you or your little girl because you are white. Now, I will never know how much harder it is to be a black American. However, I truly want to further understand and break down racial road blocks that have plagued our nation for over a century. That being said, does having ANY party where only one race is the center of the concept sending a message of pride, or does this further bold the racial line that continues to cause our divide? I am not proposing any answer here, just sharing thoughts and inviting you to do the same.

When Wine Doesn't Work Try Soothetube

One overcast afternoon, I fumbled with the remote to find some zone-out television programming. After ten frustrating minutes and fifty eight channels later, I stumbled upon a gem. There it was, the tail end of a Joy of Painting episode on PBS. I am a huge fan of the late Bob Ross, but not because I have any interest in becoming a budding artist, but because his voice that has always had a relaxing and almost bewitching effect on me. Yes....happy little clouds...zzzzzzzz. When the show ended, my journey began to seek out full JOP episodes. First stop, YouTube. Much to my chagrin, the Ross family is hellbent on protecting their empire and each video is restricted to just three minutes-hardly enough time to satiate my taste for tranquil speech. A few forgettable search words later, I stumbled upon the answer to my prayers, Soothetube. It seems that I am not the only one with a strange hang up. Soothetube touts itself as the most relaxing site on the net and for good reason. Take for instance the video of a guy demonstrating how to build a chuckbox. Now, I have no clue or care of how to build one, but its the rhythm of his voice and the monotony of such a mundane task that takes me to a place of sheer and utter relaxation. If male voices are not your cup of tea, then check out a gal named, YanHaiYing, pour one! This insightful Asian gal has some 6,000 videos with her doing nothing more than making pre-packaged, processed desserts or flipping through a magazine. However, if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the same holds true for relaxation. Some of Soothetube’s videos walk a fine line between creepy and customary. Blame it on M. Night Shyamalan, but I find the sound of someone whispering to be downright freaky. But don’t take my ears for it, check it out for yourself.

It Hurts When You Can’t “p”

It all started with a wet bathing suit. About a month ago, I had the bright and unrealistic idea to schlep my Mac down to the pool while my kids frolicked with friends in a water wonderland. Let's just say that I was drinking the supermom Kool-Aid that day.

Anywho, one of my adorable offspring thought that I would get a real kick out of being squirted with one of those soft foam water blasters. Kids love the shit of using these things. They’re kind of cross between a Nerf ball and a bazooka and the blast radius on these bad boys rivals that of a nuclear warhead.

I never cared for having water squirted in my face, and I have to say it wasn’t funny in it’s heyday in the 1920s and it’s not fucking funny today.

Long story short, the most miniscule amount of water that did land on my keyboard shorted out the “p” key and ever since then has caused me to have to copy and paste a “p” each and every time a word or phrase has called for the use of this letter.

I have never put a strong emphasis on this letter in particular. I guess if my name was peter, paul or.......perry, I might have noticed it before. And for pc users this may not seem like a huge pain in the asp, but for those with a Mac, the “p” in Apple falls very far away from tree.

This is issing me off!

Definition: Blog Tease (noun)

I searched the internet far and wide for a definition of what I was called this past weekend, a "blog tease." So I decided to write the definition myself. This blog is dedicated to Megan Hood. Here’s your definition.

Blog Tease: (noun)
One who provokes or disturbs their online audience through witty or sometimes crappy written content posted to their blog site on an infrequent basis; Unlike prick or cock (tease) most commonly associated with this term, this person frustrates its current and potential blog readers by posting infrequent short stories and further torments those readers through shameless self promotion on social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter and Google+ without returning for an undisclosed period of time. A blog tease can best be characterized through an uncanny ability to tell good stories both online and in person without notice of when they will return again.

See: Angela Cavallari Walker

This summer find out what's in store for your kids

It’s SUMMER!!! and I have had to drag my kids on my many missions and excursions including the supermarket, home improvement store but for today’s expedition it was the kinky and kitchy suburban shopping mall staple, Spencer’s.

Not only have I not set foot in this store since the late 1990s but I have not been there with kids under foot. In case you haven’t been there in quite some time, not much has changed in the variety of tacky and unique inventory. For instance, for a mere $29.95 you too can have a beer pong raft. I, ummm checked the price for a friend. And if you can recall, the inventory gets even “kinkier” as you venture farther into the bowels of this retail establishment.

However, what has changed is that I now have children AND ONE THAT CAN READ! Before I had the chance to come to this realization it was too late for us. My ears tune into my six-year-old son reading the following message slowly on a t-shirt. “ If you can read this, you are too..., his voice trails off and before I can distract him with the Angry Bird stuffed animals hanging from a makeshift zip line over our heads, he begins sounding out the first letter through his new adult chompers-too big to fit his mouth. The first letter “F” comes easy then “u” then the rest of the phrase...”fucking close.” I couldn’t have been prouder.

Hats off to you

BAM! Traditionally, Memorial Day Weekend kicks off the summer season. This year, it’s so powerful that my teeth are dangling. Today is Tuesday, and one of my busiest for my clients. It’s also the end of the month, so because I am self-employed I wear many hats. Today, it’s my D.U.N.C.E hat.

Foolishly, I thought that my children could entertain themselves for just 90 minutes while I sent out invoices and tried forming a sentence. From the next room, I can hear my son calling my daughter a “poop.” Now, it’s time to wear my “mommy hat.” What I really just want to do is put on my “fucking bitch hat” and scream at them about how they should be able to refrain from talking about or calling each other a piece of shit for less than say....6 minutes. What can I say, fantasy is my coping mechanism.

While they are celebrating their freedom I am freaking out about how I will handle their sovereignty. It also has not dawned on them that they can sleep in past 6:30 a.m. It looks like it’s gonna be a bumpy start to a long summer. But hey, my loss is your gain. Think of all the crazy material I will have for the blog!