Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Play by play playdate

I remember watching commercials as a twenty-something for popular headache remedies and never being able to connect. The commercial would open with a Mom clutching and rubbing her temples. The scene behind her was always wild and chaotic with several children literally bouncing off the walls and furniture. Internally I would laugh and dismiss this scene as ridiculous. Not me. Bullshit.

btw, I have a headache THIS BIG, and it has crazy fucking kids written all over it. Here is why:

10:37PM -Cries erupt from my 2 year old daughters room. It seems that she decided to sleep in the buff again. My husband was kind enough to clean her up and leave me a ball of piss-soaked bedding on the floor.

10:51PM - Deposited the crumpled mess into the washing machine and retired to my bed where my husband and our little screamer were already asleep. By this time the only thing left to watch on the boob tube was crappy home improvement shows like, "Clean Sweep."

5:22AM- Goldendoodle puppy started his freedom campaign.

6:02AM-6:41AM Total blur. No coffee yet.

6:53AM- Coffee has slowly begun to kick in. Maternal instinct also kicks in and I manage to make a bowl of cereal for my son.

7:28AM- Carpool arrives. Hug and kiss my son.

8:02AM- Screaming 2 year old is now awake and looking for me. Spend the next few minutes on good morning hugs.

8:03AM- Spend the next few minutes pinning my daughter down to brush her teeth. Manage to avoid bloodshed by the skin of her teeth.

8:07AM-8:31AM Zone out in front of computer updating my Facebook and Linked In profile while 2 year-old zones out in front of Dora The Explorer.

8:33AM- Realize that the piss-soaked sheets are waiting for me. Open washing machine to find that the pissy pull-up was part of the crumpled mess from the night before. Strange gelatinous chemicals coat my sports bra and daughter's sheets. It smells worse that it sounds.

8:39AM-More fucking laundry.

9:02PM- Dog begins his daily mission of chewing the shit out of everything that does or doesn't move. His only criteria is that it be something very precious to his owners, and has not been touched by himself or any other canine.

10:00AM-11:37AM- Neighborhood parents meeting. Perfect opportunity for me to bitch about my day. Leave the meeting with my screaming daughter tucked UNDER my arm like a cheap piece of luggage.

11:37AM-12:31PM- Whining continues from backseat until I am finally strong-armed into turning on Spongebob for 30-50lb passengers. Make a mental note to workout and crack a few beers after the kids go to bed.

12:32PM-3:14PM- Experience some relief thanks to daughter's nap and son's playdate. Decide to update my blog.

3:18PM- Enter puking puppy. Clean up mess and count the minutes till my husband arrives home. Must get outside and run my ass off.

3:19PM- It starts raining. Scratch plans to run outside.

3:30PM-Panic begins to set-in after several feeble attempts to fix plastic cockroach fail.

3:43PM - Husband surprises me with a brand-new Dyson, to which I exclaim, "You KNOW how passionate I am about vacuuming!" (seriously...and I'm NOT being sarcastic.)

5:00PM- Made it to the gym. This would be the only time my kids DON'T seem to need me to do much of anything. Must be the fact that they are parked in front of Yo Gabba Gabba aka visual crack for kids.

6:40PM- Arrive at Chick-Fil-A for a fundraising event in sweaty workout clothes. Managed to run into EVERY fucking teacher from my son's school. Either they think I am some sort of a gym rat, or I work on a alpaca farm.

7:17PM- Kids are being especially needy which only ads to my level of stress. Work in a quick shower and shave. Exit the shower with streaks of blood on my shins. Frightened children.

7:59PM- Suggestion to brush teeth gets ugly. Pinned down dear daughter and managed to scrape just enough plaque off her teeth to stave off gingivitis.

8:01PM- Stormed downstairs in frustration. Husband took reins and put children to bed.

8:02PM-Parked myself in front of a bad movie and bought some downtime between last minute business calls.

10:42PM-Had strange dreams about my childhood memories.

6:02AM-Took no prisoners and popped an Excedrin. They may not be yellow or different, but they have my day written all over them.