Friday, April 27, 2012

The Mormon Diet Plan Journal Day 1: I Will Not Suffer Alone

By now, you are probably wondering what ailment I have, and checking my Facebook page for my DOB to see if I am under the age of 75. Well, those of you that give a shit. And this time...let me tell you ladies and gents, the “suckage factor bar” has been raised. Apparently, I have done an amazing job of ignoring a raging sinus infection, and some sort of acid reflux. The doctor was soo impressed with my denial and avoidance that he offered me an award for all my needless suffering. You know, like they do for new moms that decide to have a natural delivery. Part of my treatment involves some bitchin’ steroid nasal spray, antibiotics, and some other drug that I have never heard of....but has a shit ton of refills, so I have plenty of time to figure out what it is that I am putting into my body. The other part of my treatment is a simple diet. Yes, simply restrictive. I have dubbed this new diet: The Mormon Diet Plan. And from now on, I will be recording my daily distaste for what I am denied. Here is what I can no longer have...well, at least for the next month or so. Drinks: No alcoholic beverages, coffee, tea, any soda or carbonated beverage, no caffeine, and no citrus juices. So, just apple juice and water. Cue Pac-Man dying sound. Food: No eggs, dairy, red sauce, or chocolate. And no eating after 7:30 in the evening or at least three hours before I go to bed. This fun little rule also applies to drinking ANYTHING in the evening. It may be time to turn to a pill mill. Activities: No whispering, and no sex without a condom. Shhhh.... The point is, I will not be suffering alone. My children will have deal with my mood swings from caffeine withdrawals, and my husband will have to revert back to the hassle of putting on a prophylactic.