Thursday, July 10, 2008


Last night I found myself up at 2am. I was wide-awake and as jittery as a virgin at a prison rodeo. Because I was alone in my insomnia, I turned to an old television. It's been some time since I have sunk to the levels of watching infomercials, but there I was blinking mindlessly at a bright flickering screen.
The popular product featured was, The Magic Bullet, which to me always sounded more pornographic than food related, but what the hell...I watched it anyways. 15 minutes later, I headed downstairs to make something similar to the foods that seemed to be produced so effortlessly by those infomercial actors. I gave up after realizing that we lacked the necessary ingredients to make "homemade" queso dip.

Defeated and downright exhausted I headed back upstairs and slumped into bed. My hand fumbled with the remote until I reached a movie entitled, "Heartbeeps"or as I like to call it, "Fartbeeps." I can always tell a shitty movie by two things. 1. Randy Quaid is in it 2. Randy Quaid is in it and he's SKINNY! The opening music was so horrible, that I started to feel strange and embarrassed. Upon closer examination, I realized that the main characters were the late comedy legend Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters. WTF?! It was SO AWFUL that I could not stop watching. Then to my shock and surprise I recognized Christopher Guest and remember that opening music(?), well it was by John Williams!

This morning, as I tried to purge my memory of this movie I happened upon, the Internet movie database. According to this site, the movie was released in 1981 to very poor reviews but managed to win two academy awards for makeup (which I can't understand because I have seen better makeup jobs on street whores). Because this movie was such a "flop" Andy Kaufman's "The Tony Clifton Story," was tossed by virtually all movie studios.

But don't take my word for it, the people at HBO thought it would be a good time to break out "Fartbeeps" from it's vault. However, if you would prefer to condense the 79 minutes that it takes to view this film check out this link. One of the funniest reviews I have seen since Mystery Science Theater. Enjoy!